


and all the kids cried out

by afterglowlita



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ambiguous Gender, Comfort, Other, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-08 09:03:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5491493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterglowlita/pseuds/afterglowlita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You enlisted as a Stormtrooper at a young age and now work under the mysterious Kylo Ren. Where everyone is terrified of him, you are curious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. they send me away to find them a fortune

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm a Mary Sue self-insert slut and I'm also super hot for Kylo Ren. Everyone complains that he's just a temperamental, whiny baby but I have some feelings and opinions on his personality that I will save for another day. I wanted to write a comfort fic of sorts. But, of course, this is me, and these things generally become more long-winded than necessary. 
> 
> This fic is unbeta'd but has been revised to the best of my ability. I'm sorry for any errors you might find.
> 
> Title credit to Halsey's "Control." 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it. Comments and kudos are always appreciated. :)
> 
> (Also, this contains slight spoilers for the film, but my assumption is people who are looking for fic have probably seen the film??? But, I mean, I don't know your life, so.)

Few rarely ever volunteer to take up arms for the First Order. Many warriors were taken as children, given up, or cloned to fight for the First Order since the fall of the Galactic Empire. 

The rare individual who enlists is automatically placed in a special squadron to be trained by Captain Phasma, a terrifying woman who embodies the very essence of ferocity and elegance. You’ve spent the last three years looking up to the captain, striving to be as fearless and dangerous as she. Conversely, the captain has taken a liking to you; your dedication to the First Order is impressive, and Captain Phasma decides that she would take you under her wing and train you to the best of her ability. In the last few years, she’s taught you everything she knows, treating you as her number one apprentice, even hinting that one day you could be her possible successor. 

Today, you’re first in line to train with her in hand-to-hand combat. She teaches you about channeling your energy and staying on your toes. In the middle of sparring with her, the familiar voice of General Hux rings through the training center. 

“Captain!” he calls out. Captain Phasma stops and you stand at attention for the general. 

“Is there something I can help you with, General?” Phasma’s voice is even but you can sense the aggravation behind her words. 

“I need FN-8426.” You furrow your brow and glance between him and the captain. 

Phasma approaches him and Hux physically quivers. He looks up at her with fearful eyes, but stands his ground and doesn’t relent to her intimidation tactics. The captain’s fists clench at her sides but she maintains her composure. 

“And why is that, exactly?” 

General Hux clears his throat and stares up at Phasma. “Captain, I am simply here on Ren’s orders, and he asked to speak with FN-8426.” 

Your limbs immediately go weak and bile threatens to climb up your throat upon hearing the general’s words. Phasma goes quiet for a moment before nodding, turning on her heel, and walking towards the other members of her special squadron. 

General Hux approaches you with his arms behind his back. “Ren would like to speak with you,” is all he says, his icy blue gaze chilling you to your core. 

Through all of the questions racing through your mind, you manage a feeble, “Yes, sir,” in response. What could Ren possibly want with you? Being called to meet with him personally reasonably means certain death, but you can’t recall anything that you’ve done that would provoke such a fate. 

You’ve seen him stride by many times, gazing at him under the safety of your helmet and wondering who the man behind the mask is. Many Stormtroopers have asked the same; in the safety of their quarters, the warriors whisper about the mystery that is Kylo Ren. 

You follow General Hux up to the debriefing room that you’ve passed many times before, but never seen inside. He ushers you in but doesn’t follow you. Instead, the door slides shut and you stand paralyzed at the sight of Kylo Ren standing only a few feet away. He’s studying a map of the galaxy, but that’s all you can make out before he’s looking in your direction and shutting down the hologram. 

“FN-8426.” He’s even more intimidating up close, his helmet and wardrobe dark and menacing in contrast to your own uniform. Though his face is hidden behind the mask, you can feel his gaze upon you, making you feel small. “I can tell that you’re nervous, but there’s no reason for you to be afraid of me. I simply called you here because I want to ask you a few questions.” 

“Yes, sir,” you respond automatically, embarrassed by the weakness of your voice. 

Ren moves around the table and walks towards you, taking slow, deliberate steps. You stand perfectly still as he moves around you, instinctively holding your breath. 

“FN-8426, I understand you are one of the few enlistees in the First Order who has been training with Captain Phasma.” 

It’s not a question, but you respond anyway. “Affirmative, sir.” 

“The captain says you are quite a remarkable fighter, and an even more remarkable pilot. Tell me, FN-8426, where do you come from?” 

“Dantooine, in the Outer Rim, sir.” 

You’re surprised to hear a light chuckle come from Ren. Every time you’ve seen him, he’s seemed stiff and focused--a man on a mission. “As much as I like hearing you call me ‘sir,’ there’s really no need to be so formal. In fact, what is your given name, if I may ask?” 

“[Y/N],” you state, proud that your voice doesn’t quiver as it did before. 

“[Y/N],” he repeats. “That’s a beautiful name.” 

The compliment catches you off-guard. You wonder for a moment if this is truly happening, or if you’re still asleep in your quarters and this is all an elaborate dream. Ren gives another low chuckle, and your lips twitch, threatening to turn into a full smile. 

“May I ask another question?” he asks. You nod. “Why did you decide to enlist with the First Order?” 

It’s something you’ve thought about many times over your last few years with the Order, though you’ve never regretted your decision to enlist. “I hope for order in the entire galaxy. The Resistance and the Republic only throw the galaxy further into chaos. But there’s a difference between hoping for something and being a part of something. I wanted to be a part of something.”

“A noble response from a noble warrior.” Ren’s tone is appreciative. “[Y/N], there is a specific reason I wanted to speak with you.” 

Fear grips at your heart again, but you say nothing. 

Ren continues, “As you probably know, I have a special squadron who accompanies me on missions and also operates special reconnaissance. I keep this squadron to a maximum of five exceptional warriors. Unfortunately, on an undercover survey of Hosnian Prime, one of my soldiers was killed, forcing me to find a replacement. Given Captain Phasma’s outstanding report, I’ve decided that you are the best fit for the squadron. That is, if you’re interested.” 

You’re convinced that this _must_ be a dream. There’s no way that Kylo Ren himself is asking you to work directly with him in his personal squadron. You’re thankful for your helmet, otherwise Ren would see your red face and gleeful expression. 

“I would be honored, sir,” you reply.

Ren gives a slight nod. “Very good. I will inform the captain and you will head for you new station immediately.” 

\--

You had always been curious about what Kylo Ren looked like underneath his helmet. You’re not sure how many people truly knew what the man looked like, given that a lot of the other soldiers questioned the same thing. 

During your first few weeks as one of Ren’s right hand soldiers, you finish going over a plan of action for the imminent infiltration of Tuanul on Jakku. You and your four teammates are to lead large groups of Stormtroopers in to surround the area and move in on Phasma’s orders. Ren sits by patiently as Hux and Phasma explain, and subsequently quiz each of you on your orders for this invasion. 

“You five will lead the mission in five days,” Hux says, looking between each of them with his hands clasped behind his back. “This is important and we need all of you to be ready.” 

“We’ll be ready, sir,” you assure, giving a nod. Hux and Phasma share a glance before nodding back. 

“Very well,” Ren speaks up, his head still tilted towards the hologram of Jakku. “You are dismissed. Except for you, FN-8426. I need to speak with you.” 

Hux, Phasma, and your four teammates exit the debriefing room, leaving you alone with Ren. Your knee-jerk reaction is to panic, but you try to keep your breathing even as Ren closes out the hologram. You watch him carefully as he brings his hands up, pulls his hood off, then pulls his helmet off of his head. You gasp inwardly at the young man standing before you. You’d always imagined him to be much older, but you realize he couldn’t be more than a few years older than yourself. You also never expected him to be so. . . _handsome_. 

Ren chuckles, snapping you from your thoughts. He taps his own forehead then points at you. It takes a second, but you realize he wants you to remove your helmet as well. With shaky hands, you pull the helmet from your head and blink at him. He smirks, his dark eyes sparkling with mischief. 

“[Y/N],” he starts. You study him quickly, your gaze running over the black curls that frame his face, the freckles at adorn his cheeks, and his lips that are still curved in a smirk. You take him in as much as you can, seeing as you may never have this chance again. “You’ve done an exceptional job these past few weeks. You’ve shown commitment and initiative greater than some of your own teammates. However, I just want you to know that this upcoming mission is far more important than you realize. Given what you’ve exhibited these past few weeks, I feel that I am able to trust you with our true directive in this mission. Truly, I may need your help.” 

You meet Ren’s heavy gaze and give him a single nod. “You can always trust me, sir.” 

“I know,” Ren replies. “I can feel it.”

You ponder that statement briefly before asking, “So, what is the priority on Jakku?” 

Ren is silent for a moment, looking down at his helmet and brushing away invisible dirt. “I’m looking for a map--a map that leads to Luke Skywalker.” 

\--

The mission on Jakku is not a success, but it is not a failure, either. You and your squadmates escort a man you captured in Tuanul to a holding cell where he is strapped down and forced to wait for a confrontation by Kylo Ren. You were given instructions to inform Ren when the prisoner was prepared, so you set off to the debriefing room.

When you arrive, you find a terrified Hux and hear the sounds of anguished wailing from inside the room. You quickly open the door against Hux’s warnings and find Ren viciously slashing at the wall with his lightsaber. You pull your helmet off and set it on the table before moving towards him, erring on the side of caution. 

“Sir! Sir! Stop!” You don’t dare to go near him for fear of crossing paths with his lightsaber. You watch in horror as he slashes at the wall, sparks flying all around him. Your teammates have warned you about these outbursts, but you’ve never witnessed one yourself. In fact, since joining Ren’s squadron, you’ve never seen him get angry. 

He pulls off his helmet; it falls to the ground with a thud and rolls towards your feet. Ren braces one gloved hand on the scarred wall and breathes heavily. You immediately move towards him and touch his shoulder. He glances at you, his eyes bloodshot and cheeks tear-streaked. You look at the Stormtroopers standing in the doorway and give them a hollow nod. They take their cue and leave quickly, the door sliding shut behind them. 

Ren turns his whole body towards you and you touch his face tentatively. “You’re okay,” you say in a gentle voice, studying his face as pants heavily. “You’re okay. Just keep your eyes on me.” The warm, brown gaze that you had seen in the rare moment that his helmet was off is replaced by fiery rage and desperation. You curl your fingers into his black locks, your fingertips massaging gently into his scalp as his breathing starts to even out. 

He looks up at you with watery eyes and opens his mouth. “I. . .” he trails off into silence, averting his gaze from yours. 

You smile weakly and tilt his head back until he’s looking at you again. “You’re not required to explain anything, Kylo.” His name slips out before you can catch it. You’re afraid that this will anger him further, but instead, his expression softens and he slumps into your embrace. 

“Thank you, [Y/N],” he mumbles. 

“Anytime, sir,” you respond. “It happens to the best of us.”


	2. a chest filled with diamonds and gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a lot of you guys wanted me to continue this story. Like, a surprising amount of people, actually. And I'm so deep in the Kylo Ren garbage can (and so far up Star Wars' ass) it's amazing. 
> 
> Special thanks to my friend Kat for giving me ideas and being my cheerleader through writing this. U da real MVP. 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are always appreciated. :)

There’s a priority mission to storm the planet of Takodana. Stormtroopers are instructed to find a girl, a traitor, a droid, and the infamous Han Solo, who has aided the fugitives in their escape. You’re told that the they are hiding out in Maz Kanata’s castle--a former pirate who now serves travellers, smugglers, and other shady characters in the main hall of her home. 

You’re stationed on Ren’s shuttle, waiting to touch down on Takodana’s soil. You shift from one foot to the other, your hand gripping the bar above your head tightly. Adrenaline is starting to take over as you begin to bounce in anticipation. 

The shuttle lands, the door opens, and you and your team jump out before the ramp has time to descend. There are crowds already gathered outside, watching in shock and horror as the Hosnian system is obliterated. You ready your blaster and charge towards the crowd with the rest of your team. 

The crowd of Maz’s patrons begins to fight back. Many have blasters of their own, while others use what they can find to fight off the attack. You begin to cut through the crowd with ease, shooting criminals until they collapse in fear or death. 

The blaster shot that pierces clean through you and your armor is a surprise, to say the least. You fall to your knees. You cry out and grip your side as the agonizing pain shocks your system. There’s a burning in your lungs and stinging in your eyes, your head swimming as you try to maintain consciousness. 

In the distance, you see Ren in the rubble of Maz Kanata’s castle. He stops cold and turns his head frantically. You find yourself wishing to call out to him, but a pair of hands gently tugs you to your feet. A fellow Stormtrooper wraps your arm around their shoulder and helps you hobble towards the ships. 

“Get FN-8426 to the med bay on the command shuttle, _now_ ,” Captain Phasma orders. Her voice is distant, like you have water in your ears. 

“Yes, ma’am,” the Stormtrooper replies, before tugging you in the direction of Ren’s ship. You glance back at the fighting happening behind you and see that Ren standing stone-still, his fists clenched as he looks in your general direction. You wonder if he senses that you’re hurt. You brush that thought away as you stumble up the ramp and onto the command shuttle, hissing as your side throbs. 

The fellow Stormtrooper calls out, “I need a medic!”

Suddenly, there are three medical officers huddling around you, pulling your hand away from the bleeding wound and pushing you towards a gurney. Once you’re down, you feel a needle in your arm and gasp; a warmth immediately flows through you. Your eyes start to get heavy, the noise around you becoming a deep echo. Everything goes dark. 

\--

You open your eyes and grimace at the blinding light overhead. You squeeze your eyes shut again with a groan. Your head is pounding, your feet are sore, and there’s a sharp pain in your side that’s so sudden, it makes you gasp for breath. 

“Resistance bastards,” you mutter as you lightly touch the bandaged area, hissing at the pain that even your light hand causes. 

“You’re awake.” Your eyes fly open and you turn your head towards the voice. There, next to your bed, sits Kylo Ren, unmasked, his face pinched in concern. 

You give him a weak smile. “I kind of wish I wasn’t. It’d be much nicer to just sleep through the pain. Are we back on base?” 

Ren ignores your question. “I’ll speak with one of the medical providers so they can give you more medication.”

You huff a laugh, then grimace at the pain in your ribs. “I appreciate that, sir, but it’s not necessary.” 

“It is necessary,” Ren answers quietly. “I. . .let this happen to you.” 

You try to sit up, but the stabbing pain in your side keeps you down. You settle on brushing your hand against his fingers that are tightly gripping the bed’s railings. His head snaps up and he recoils from your touch. 

“Sir? This isn’t your fault. There’s no way you could have known what would happen.” 

“Yes, but I could have _done_ something. I could have--” 

“Kylo.” Your voice is stern, surprising him enough to look up at you. “Sir, I know the risks that I’m taking whenever I put this uniform on. There’s always a chance that something will go wrong. There’s always a chance that I’ll. . .that I won’t come back. But I’m dedicated to the First Order, I’m dedicated to the fight, and. . .I’m dedicated to you.” 

Ren’s frown deepens, his eyebrows knitting together as his eyes travel from your face down to your wound. He doesn’t say anything further. Instead, he stands up and walks swiftly towards the door, stopping only to murmur something to a med bay officer. You watch him until he turns the corner, then you turn your gaze towards the officer who is scurrying to your side with a small bottle of clear liquid and a syringe. 

“On Master Ren’s orders,” she explains, before jabbing the needle into your arm. The effects of the medication hit you almost immediately. Your head begins to swim and the pain throughout your body subsides. The officer says, “This should help with your pain and let you sleep,” but you’re already drifting off into a delightfully dreamless slumber, so you barely make out her words. 

\--

Ren doesn’t visit the med bay again, so you stay in your bed and occasionally converse with different med bay officers as they rotate shifts throughout the day. Soldiers from your squadron visit you, too, and discuss missions and events that you’ve missed out on in the last week. 

“When am I able to get out of here, exactly?” You ask aloud, your question addressed to any staff members who are listening. “Not that I don’t enjoy the company of the crew here, but I miss doing anything that’s not lying down.” 

An officer comes around to your bedside. “We have to check your vitals and assess your progress, but if everything looks good, you may be able to leave tomorrow morning.” 

You’re practically giddy at the thought that you may be able to go on another mission soon. A week is far too long for you to be out of commission. You miss the fighting and the excitement. Being left alone in a bed with only your thoughts and brief conversations with others is agony. 

The last week has given you a proper amount of time to stress over your last interaction with Ren. Had you upset him? You’ve gone over the conversation a thousand times in your head, but you’re not sure what could have caused him to react the way that he did. You find yourself desperately wishing to speak with him, but also worried that you might upset him further. 

\--

The main medical officer comes to see you the next morning, his face far too bright and cheerful for your liking. Though, you may just be cranky after being woken from your drug-induced slumber. 

“Good news, FN-8426. Your vitals are normal, and there doesn’t seem to be any threat of infection to your wound. As long as you come in for a routine inspection and bandage swap for the next few days, you’re free to go back to your quarters. However, I am putting you on temporary medical leave.”

You throw your arm over your eyes and groan loudly. Being injured means you have a right to complain, right? 

“I’m sorry, FN-8426,” the medical officer responds. “It’s for your own good. You’re not healed enough to go into another fight. Just give it a few more days.” 

“All right,” you pout. The medical officer smiles and gives you a small nod before walking away.

\--

Your quarters are empty when you get there. Apparently, Phasma’s ordered a special training for Ren’s squadron to avoid incidents like yours. You tried not to feel too offended when a passing Stormtrooper informed you of this. 

You decide to change into a clean set of lounge clothes and get to work on fixing your blaster which, unbeknownst to you, was damaged in the fight on Takodana. In the rush to get you to the medical bay on Starkiller base, your team tossed your belongings into your quarters, including the damaged blaster, so it was never turned in for inspection.

After an hour of tinkering with the blaster, you start to get frustrated. You throw down a small screwdriver and sigh before digging the heels of your hand into your strained eyes.

“FN-8426.” The voice you startles you from your jumbled thoughts. You look up from the blaster and small tool set sitting in front of you to see General Hux standing tall and stoic. 

“General!” You stand quickly to salute him. “My apologies. I didn’t see you come in.” 

Hux merely nods, his facial expression unchanging. “I’m sorry to startle you. I’ve been told that you’re on medical leave for a few more days on the medical officer’s orders. I hope your wound isn’t causing you too much trouble.” He eyes your side, though your bandages aren’t visible through your shirt. 

“No trouble at all, General. Just a slight ache now and then. I’m eager to get back to the fight, though.” 

Hux gives you a tight smile. You realize that small talk, especially with soldiers, is not his strong suit. “We are eager to have you back, but that’s not why I’m here. Ren sent me. He would like to see you in his quarters as soon as you feel able.”

You swallow audibly. “Yes, sir. I just need to change into my uniform first--” 

Hux interrupts, “That won’t be necessary.” You wait for any further explanation but Hux continues to stand silently in the doorway until you gather up your tools and turn on your blaster’s safety. You figure you should drop it off for inspection before the captain gives you another lecture about safety precautions. 

With your blaster at your side and tools in your pocket, you set off to Kylo Ren’s quarters. 

\--

The door slides open as you approach, and you peek into Ren’s quarters. He stands with his back to you, giving you a chance to look around the small space. As you step inside, you note his sizeable bed, complete with black sheets, and a sleek, black marble table on the opposite side of the room. Everything is dark and intimidating, but you enjoy the atmosphere. It mirrors Ren’s aura quite well. 

You clear your throat. “You called for me?” 

Ren turns to look at you, his face carefully neutral. He eyes the blaster in your hand and quirks an eyebrow. 

“Oh! I was doing repairs on it. I’m sorry, I can go turn it in right now, sir.” 

You’re already prepared to run out when Ren says, “You can continue your repairs here, if you’d like.” 

You blink at him in surprise, then smile and give him a little nod. “Thank you, sir.” You pull your tools from your pocket and sit at the small, black table that he gestures to. 

There’s a rustling sound behind you, and you glance back to see Ren sitting at the edge of his bed with a datapad. He scrolls through what looks like mission briefings from General Hux, his eyebrows pinched together in focus. You study his face until he glances up in your direction. Ren cocks his head slightly, and you smile at him before returning to your repairs. 

After a few minutes of silence, your curiosity gets the better of you. You turn to Ren, who is still absorbed in his briefings, and chew your lip nervously. 

“Is there a reason you called me in here, sir?” You ask. 

“No particular reason, [Y/N],” he responds. You ignore the way your stomach flops when he says your name. With a nod, you turn back to your blaster and continue to work, easing into a comfortable silence with Ren. Soon, you’re so focused on your work that you don’t notice when Ren comes around to sit across from you at the table. 

“What was your life like back on Dantooine?” Ren asks quietly. 

You look up at him and blink confusedly. “What do you mean?” 

Ren glances up at you for a moment before looking down at the parts of your blaster that are scattered across the table. 

“Your childhood, your parents, your decision to enlist. . .you must have a story.” 

His curiosity surprises you. Why would he be so interested in your life? You watch him as his hand comes up to rub his neck, still avoiding making eye contact with you. Could he be nervous? Why would someone like Kylo Ren be nervous at all, let alone around you? 

Finally, you set down your tools and let out a long breath.

“I was born on the planet while it was still under control by the Galactic Empire. Both of my parents were soldiers--Stormtroopers when the Empire was under Vader’s control. My first year was spent with my grandparents while they were off fighting in the Galactic Civil War. My parents lived inland, but my grandparents lived out by the sea. Grandfather was a fisherman; he ran his own business while Grandmother stayed home to knit and watch after me.” 

Your smile falters and look down at your hands. 

“After the Battle of Endor, my parents. . .well, they changed. They became traitors of the Empire, and we stayed on Dantooine when the New Republic gained control of it. My grandparents were angry when they found out what happened. Mother and Father said they’d had a change of heart--that the things they’d seen in battle changed them. Grandmother said they were frightened of being caught by the New Republic, so they distanced themselves from their service to the Empire and hid in plain sight. 

“I enlisted with the First Order at 16. I gave up my name for a serial number, and I haven’t heard from my parents since. I hear news of them from my grandparents on occasion, though. Father works in the family fishing business. Mother works with the refugees from Eol Sha.” 

You look up and are startled by Ren’s expression; it’s soft, his eyes shining as he carefully watches your face. You’ve never seen him look so vulnerable. Then again, you’ve rarely ever seen his face. He looks away, and you blink at him before clearing your throat. 

“I, uh. . .I should probably submit my blaster for inspection before the captain hunts me down,” you joke, giving a short, exasperated laugh. 

Ren looks up at you, his expression molded back into its usual, unreadable state. You stand quickly and all but run towards the door, stopping just before you exit to turn back to him. 

“Thank you, sir,” you say, with a small smile and nod. “It’s been hard being away from my team. . .being alone all day. And I. . .well, I enjoyed this.”

Ren is silent for a few seconds, making you shift uncomfortably and wishing you hadn’t said anything at all. 

“I look forward to having you back on my squadron, [Y/N],” he finally responds. 

Your smile grows. “I look forward to being with you again, Kylo.” 

You swear you see the twitch of a smile on his lips.


	3. the house was awake with shadows and monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long! I got a mild case of writer's block after the last chapter and wrote bits and pieces of this over the last week. 
> 
> There definitely won't be a sequel to this until the next movie comes out (if at all) since I followed The Force Awakens pretty closely with this story. BUT I will probably write more self-indulgent Kylo/Reader fics in the future. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this story. As always, kudos and comments are always appreciated. :)

You’re preparing to head out into the snow, having been warned about a possible attack by the Resistance. All squadrons were given instruction to be on guard for this invasion, while Ren’s personal squadron was asked to be ready on the frontlines if and when anything occurs.

“Why are we expecting an attack, Captain? Has something happened?” You ask Phasma as you jog after her in the corridors. She’s significantly taller than you, making her strides longer and much quicker than your own. 

She glances over at you, her blaster ready in her arms. “The situation is on a need-to-know, basis,” she answers. “But, there _is_ a situation, and we need everyone to be ready.” 

“Affirmative, Captain,” you respond with a nod, deciding not to press the issue further. If your crew--your _friends_ \--are in danger, then you’ll do what you have to, no questions asked. 

You leave the Captain’s side and turn down a different corridor to head outside and find your teammates. Hux turns around the corner and you skid to a halt in front of him, gasping at the near collision. 

“FN-8426,” General Hux greets, his expression unwavering. 

“General,” you salute. “I was just heading out to find my squad.”

You start to move past him, then he calls out to stop you. 

“Wait! Before you go. . .” He pulls his cap off and fidgets with it before taking a deep breath. “I was hoping to find you before you went out. I need you to speak with Ren. . .if you’re willing.” 

You furrow your brows (though he can’t see it) and cock your head to one side. “Has he asked for me?” 

“Well, no,” Hux sighs. “But he’s not at his best right now, and seeing as he’s taken quite a shine to you, I thought you might be able to help.” 

You study Hux’s face; he looks hopeful at best, desperate at worst. And what does he mean that Ren has ‘taken a shine to you?’ He’s visited you in the medical bay and you’ve spent time with him in his quarters, but surely he’s done that with the other people he cares about? You think about this for a moment and wonder if Ren has ever really opened up to anyone besides you. After careful consideration, you realize that people are probably too terrified of him to try and be friendly. 

“I’ll do what I can, sir,” you finally respond. Hux lets out a relieved sigh and genuinely smiles at you for the what might be the first time ever.

“Thank you.” He moves swiftly past you, leaving you to head to Ren’s quarters on your own. 

\--

The door to Ren’s quarters slides open as you approach it, making you wonder if he’s been expecting you--or anyone for that matter--to speak with him. But when you enter, you realize that perhaps he hadn’t been expecting anyone to find him at all. 

Ren sits on the edge of his bed, his head bowed in shame as a quiet whimper escapes his throat. You pull your helmet off and approach him slowly, your footsteps heavy on the black-tiled floor. The noise startles him and he looks up. He immediately thrusts his hand out and you’re stopped in your tracks, your limbs fighting against some unseen force as you try to move. Ren’s eyes go wide after a moment and he brings his hand back down. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t realize it was you.” He bows his head again, but you’ve already seen his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. 

Though you can move again, you stay completely still, trying not to seem visibly shaken by the power he just used on you. “Hux asked me to speak with you.” 

“I see,” Ren says curtly, not looking up at you. 

You take a step forward. “He mentioned that you’re not yourself today. Has something happened?” 

Ren doesn’t respond. Instead, he rubs his face with his palms and runs his fingers through his hair. He’s visibly shaken, but you’re not going to press him further if he doesn’t want to talk. 

But then--

“I’m weak.” He says it so softly that you might not have heard it at all, if it weren’t for the dense silence of his quarters. “I’ve let my emotions get in the way of my judgement too many times.”

You close the gap and kneel down in front of him. You brush his hair aside to see his face. 

“Listen to me,” you murmur. “You are not weak. Having emotions _does not_ make you weak.” You tilt his face until he’s looking at you, his dark eyes shining and pained. 

He looks so broken. 

You take a deep breath, ignoring the ache in your chest, and continue. “I’ve never met a man who can command a room the way you can. You are a strong and stoic leader, whom all of us look up to. I don’t know what brought this on, but we need you-- _I_ need you--now more than ever.” 

The way he looks at you is enough to bring a flush to your cheeks. You don’t break your gaze from his when you reach out and rest a hand on his cheek. 

“I need to head out to my post,” you murmur. “But please stay strong.” 

Ren nods. You pull your hand away and stand up, grasping your helmet and pulling it on again. You give him one short nod and a, “Sir,” before heading out of his quarters and back down the corridor. 

\--

There’s an emergency on base, and Ren’s personal squadron is told to pull back from their station in the snow to find an escaped prisoner--a young girl who becomes increasingly dangerous with every passing minute. 

All stations are put on lockdown, and you, along with the rest of your squadron, follow Ren as he stalks through the corridors, being stopped occasionally by other officers for status reports. 

Upon receiving another update that the girl is still missing, Ren gives orders to make sure _every_ station is on lockdown. Suddenly, he tenses, his head turning slightly as if he can hear something that you and the others cannot. Given the abilities he’s proven to have, you wouldn’t be surprised. 

“Follow me,” Ren orders, before moving determinedly down the corridor once more. 

\--

When you reach the oscillator, Ren says, “Find them.” Though you’re not entirely sure who you’re looking for besides the escaped scavenger, you nod and run along the scaffolds with another teammate. 

You pause for a moment, looking around quickly to make sure no one is hiding out near you. You glance towards the bridge and notice a figure moving towards Ren. You want to shout a warning, but the figure calls out something that stops you cold. 

“Ben!”

Ren stops and turns. You hear his response clearly.

“Han Solo.” 

Ren turns, his body tense and fists clenched as Han approaches him on the bridge. You watch as they exchange words, trying your hardest to make out what is being said. You watch as Ren pulls his helmet off, revealing his face to Han. 

You anxiously watch them converse, your finger fidgeting on the trigger of your blaster. You’d heard all of the stories about Han Solo, the smuggler and the war hero--if he could even be called a _hero_. What exactly could this man want with Ren? And why had he called him Ben? 

The light dims, alerting you that the superweapon has drained the sun’s energy and is ready to fire. Suddenly, Ren thrusts his lightsaber through Han’s chest, and you hear a cry above you. Han touches Ren’s face, Ren withdraws the weapon, and Han’s body falls over the edge of the bridge into the large pit below him. 

There’s a loud, animalistic cry and blaster shot that pierces Ren’s side, sending him to his knees in pain. You gasp, startled by the sudden firefight that occurs. Your teammate grabs you, pulling you towards the exit so you can escape safely. You glance back and notice Ren stumble along the bridge, his lightsaber in hand. 

You run out of the building, freezing at the sight of X-Wings flying overhead. A shot is fired in your direction, which you narrowly avoid by tumbling into the snow. There’s no sign of Ren or the fugitives anywhere. You want to go out and find him, but you don’t know where you’d begin to look. Instead, you decide to find who’s left of your teammates and fight against the Resistance’s attack. 

\--

Your numbers are dwindling when the ground beneath you begins to shake. One of your teammates runs towards you, panting as she exclaims, “The Resistance has destroyed the oscillator! We have to start evacuating immediately!” 

You feel your heart pounding rapidly, the sound reverberating in your ears. You grip your blaster tightly in your hands. “What about Ren?!” You shout. 

“We’ll find him!” Her voice is unsure, but you give her a nod before pushing on through the snow, running towards the evacuation pods that the Stormtroopers are being loaded on. 

“FN-8426!” Hux’s voice rings out. You whip around and see him beckoning for you from the opening of Ren’s shuttle. You run towards him, shouting as the ground continues to quake. You stumble up the ramp and fall into the shuttle before the ramp pulls up and the door seals shut. 

You pull your helmet off and turn to Hux. “Where’s Ren?”

“We haven’t found him,” he responds, clearly attempting to maintain his terse demeanor, but you can sense the worry in his voice. Whether he’s worried about Ren’s safety, or the possible repercussions from the Supreme Leader, you’re not sure. 

You start pacing as the shuttle picks up and starts moving again. You mumble to yourself, asking every deity you can think of to ensure Ren’s safety. 

It’s only a few minutes before a soldier shouts, “Sir, we’ve spotted him!” to Hux. You turn towards Hux, who looks just as relieved as you feel.

You’re the first person out of the shuttle when it lands, not waiting for the ramp to descend. You spot Ren’s dark form in the snow and cry out his name before running towards him. You fall to your knees by his side and place your hands on either side of his face. 

“Please wake up,” you plead, your eyes roaming over the gash on his face. “Please, please.” 

The moment he opens his eyes, relief washes over you. He reaches up and wipes away your tears, causing you to let out a choked laugh. Ren gives you a small smile--the first one you’ve ever seen from him. Your heart swells in your chest, and you smile back. 

Another soldier appears at your side and you both work to get Ren up and walking. You notice the blood in the snow and realize the wound that the Wookie inflicted is much deeper than you originally thought. 

The three of you stumble your way back to the shuttle. A couple of medical staff members rush to grab Ren, and you fight the urge to protest, knowing that he needs to be looked at right away. Instead, you run after them, keeping your eyes on him until a staff member blocks your path and a curtain is drawn around him. 

\--

The shuttle barely escapes the system in time for the explosion. When the crew confirms relative safety, you fall back into a chair with a sigh. Hux approaches you as you pull off pieces of your armor, with his hands folded behind his back. 

“Any word?” He asks. 

“No,” you respond. “Not yet.” It hasn’t been long, but you’re still anxious about Ren’s condition. 

“I’m sure he’s okay,” Hux assures. You expect him to move on and continue commanding the crew, seeing as the shuttle has just narrowly avoided destruction. Instead, he takes a seat next to you and waits. 

\--

You don’t know when you fell asleep, but apparently you did, your head resting on Hux’s shoulder. You can hear his soft breathing, his head on top of yours. You look up and realize that a medic has been gently shaking you, trying to wake you up. 

“Excuse me,” he says. “Are you FN-8426?” 

You sit up, startling Hux from his slumber. 

“Yes, I am,” you respond.

The medic says, “Ren has been asking to see you.” 

You glance over at Hux who blinks sleepily and rubs at his eyes. You stand and wince at the popping in your shoulders. 

The curtain is still drawn around Ren’s bed, and you approach it quietly. The medic pulls it aside and you duck in. Ren is sitting up, his face bandaged to cover the deep gash you saw earlier. He’s no longer wearing his robes, leaving his top half exposed. Your eyes travel down to the clean bandages on his side. 

“Are you okay?” You ask, taking a seat next to his bed. 

Ren studies your face before answering, “I’m not sure.” 

Despite his answer, it feels like your emotional floodgates open. You lean into him and press your forehead against his arm, suppressing the sob that so badly wants to come up. 

“You’re here,” you whisper. “You’re alive.” 

He cups your cheek with his hand and you look up at him with glassy eyes. He looks at you for a long moment before responding with a small smile, “So are you.”


End file.
